The delta of life has been off the charts lately. Dad passed away at 1039 on June 3. And I grew up.
The last three days he spent at the hospital were difficult. Very difficult. I want to believe they were more difficult for us around him than him. I honestly don't believe he was in pain. A person like him cannot be in pain.
The last two years he spent fighting Pancreatic Caner were difficult too. They were also, by far, my best years spent with him. He spoke about his life a lot. Growing up at Bazaar Road, Bandra. Being forced to work at the family shop right after school. Bunking school to learn to operate a crane so that he could earn some money. Going to the Middle East at 17. Letting go of a house in Versova (which would be worth about 200 times now) to get his older brothers married. Fighting with his parents about the guest list at his own wedding. Fighting with white guys off-shore who disrespected his colleagues (Apparently slapped one of them across his face and did NOT get fired). Coming to Qatar and settling down.
He never had a convincing answer to one question though – “What do you want to do?”. He was asked this question multiple times over the last 2 years in various contexts but never answered it. He probably didn’t know how to. Unsurprisingly.
He is missed. A lot. Even though our most recent interactions weren't very cheerful (and I understand its going to take some time for the more jovial memories to be the permanent ones), just him being around was something. It hits me when I go back home and the chair/bed he usually occupied is now empty. Its weird to not need to ask mom the details of how he has been today. Nausea? Motions? Food? Pain?
And then I miss him more. Thinking about the bigger picture, which he is physically not a part of anymore. There are things I wanted to do with him around and couldn’t get to. But again, that was always going to be an infinite number of things to do.
Thank you, Dad, for showing exactly what it means to not live for yourself but for others. And thank you, God, for making me a part of that specific others.
Happy Father's Day.